EchoVibe

All men need training to meet my standards - I won't stand for timewasters, catfish or cowards

LAST week on Love Island 24-year-old Paige Thorne repeatedly said she doesn’t want to have to “train” a man into being “boyfriend material” or “be someone’s mum”.

Bad luck, Paige — because the older you get, the more manchildren you need to train, says single writer Katie Wilson who is currently navigating the dating world at the age of 37, after a few long-term relationships.

Here, Katie, from Hackney, East London, shares her hard truths of dating — and sadly, dating men in their 30s, 40s and beyond doesn’t get easier.

ALL MEN NEED ‘TRAINING’

NO matter how great a guy seems, he’ll need some training to meet my standards — whatever his age.

Men have got to make the effort — and they must have my back.
When I was younger I shied away from saying what I wanted or needed from a relationship, and while it’s refreshing that Paige wants a man who is emotionally mature, this just doesn’t happen — even when they’re older.

Knowing that a guy’s morals and life goals match mine is now my priority.

MORE ON RELATIONSHIPS

However, I do know that he won’t be the finished article when we first meet. Online dating means many blokes pick up bad habits, even those in their 40s who have ex-wives and children.

Those of us who dated “in real life”— before apps were the norm — may baulk at the Love Islanders cracking on (flirting) with others while in a couple.

But when you meet someone online, this is exactly what is happening. Whether it’s disappearing from WhatsApp, cancelling dates last minute — or not letting you know at all — I’ve called men out on bad behaviour.

If you want to succeed in today’s dating world — and I’m still trying — perseverance and patience is essential. Sorry Paige.

THE ONLY WAY IS E-SEX

PRIOR to becoming single in December, I’d met all my former boyfriends in real life. My first long-term relationship lasted five years with a man I met in a bar.

In my twenties and thirties, I had two more relationships, each one lasting a couple of years before they fizzled out. When the most recent one ended, I found myself back in a very different dating pool.

These days, no one chats you up face to face. The last time I pulled a stranger on a night out was when I was 28. He broke my heart six months later when I found out he had slept with someone else.

But meeting someone on a boozy night out is almost obsolete in 2022.

My friends have run out of single men they can set me up with, because most are already settled with a couple of kids.

Today, dating apps are pretty much the only way to meet someone, so get to know your Hinge from your Match.com, and “ghosting” from “slow fading” — and be prepared for anything.

YOU WILL BE GHOSTED

IT doesn’t matter who you are — or if you look like J-Lo — you will still have a bloke disappear on you. It can happen before you meet and even with someone you’ve been seeing for a while. It’s rude, cowardly and it happens a lot.

I’m ghosted by around half of all the dates I meet through apps, but it’s not just the stuff of online dating. An old boyfriend once ghosted me after we’d been dating for three years. If that’s not a kick in the lady bits, I don’t know what is.

YOUR TIME WILL BE WASTED

SOME people on dating apps just want to chat — they have no intention of actually meeting you. I found this out the hard way when I got talking to one guy (every day for a month) for up to three hours a night.

We arranged to meet twice, but both times a “work thing” came up. The third time he told me his dad had had a heart attack — and then he vanished. Was it grief, was he attention-seeking, or did he secretly have a wife and kids? I’ll never know, but I’d place bets on it being the latter. Of course, it hurts.

You feel rejected and question what you did wrong. I won’t let anyone waste my time again and my new rule is meet within a week of matching if possible.

BE READY FOR COWARDS

EVEN when you think something is going well, it can quickly go south. I recently went on a few dates with someone aged 38 who acted really keen. Then, on the day we were supposed to meet again, he texted and said his “life was in limbo”.

His weak explanation was, “my job, money, usual s**t”. Honestly, you’d think men would have their acts together by the time they’re in their 30s or 40s, but no.

He didn’t even cancel. It was left for me to end the conversation rather than him having the courage to own what he meant — that he didn’t want to see me again. I’ve since learned this is a so-called “nice guy” version of ghosting, known as “slow fading”.

THEY WILL BE PLAYING FIELD

THERE’S millions of people on dating apps in the UK, which equals millions of potential matches, so it’s naive to think you’re the only person your date is talking to, or who he is dating. I currently have over 100 matches in my inbox.

There’s way too much choice, resulting in a lot of men getting greedy.

A friend and I actually ended up chatting to the same guy at the same time.

I’m a stickler for the girl code so I did the courteous thing and bowed out. She met him for a date, but let’s just say he left a lot to be desired in the flesh.

YOU WON’T FIND YOUR TYPE

IF only there was an app out there which had a “divorced dads” or “single dad” category. Even if you pay for dating apps, you can’t add the filters you really want in a man.

At my stage in life, I want to date men who didn’t get it right the first time round, but were mature enough to get married or have kids. They’ve made their mistakes and hopefully learned from them. I’m prepared to put in a bit of legwork to “train them” — but at least they have some experience.

Men in their 20s regularly message me and sometimes I go out with them for a bit of an ego boost — but I know it won’t go anywhere.

PHOTOS CAN LIE

WE’VE all heard of people getting catfished, and online dating is no different.

Anyone can upload whatever pictures of whatever they want to their profiles and I’ve met people who look ten years older and have a “dad bod” in real life.

People will lie about their looks. There are a few ways to check out who you are really meeting before your date and some apps let users link their Instagram profiles so you can have a social media stalk beforehand. I occasionally ask someone for a video call if I’m not sure they’re being truthful.

YOU’LL GET THICK SKIN

IF you’re dating you are bound to be rejected but on dating apps there is an even higher chance.

Whether it’s being dumped, ghosted or unmatched before you’ve even had a chance to meet, you have to develop a thick skin quickly.